Saturday, January 22, 2011
Spiders, Cognac and a Movie
I guess the Universe decided it was time for me to have a visit from the migraine demon. This one was not a "doozie" but close... I lost two days, but I'm feeling great again! The good thing about migraines for me is, mine don't last forever. I can wait it out because so far, they have always gone away after a few days, Yay!
My last post was about my wheelchair... I needed to tell you that story so you could understand this post better and have a good "visual" to accompany the post.
So one night, in the very recent past, I had finished my duties of feeding TJ the dog, letting him out to relieve himself for the night (a futile effort, he wakes me at 2AM to go out again... always), I fed the cats, made sure the lizards had water, turned off all the lights, mulled over a snack choice, decided against one, made my way to my bedroom to settle in, under a cozy blanket in bed and watch a movie. Perfect!
The movie is "The Big Chill", it's a favorite of mine. I'm not sure why really. None of my old friend's and I have ever gotten together over a funeral, spent a weekend having sex, doing drugs and fulfilling past fantasies ... notice I left out the drinking, that has happened, but not after a funeral! Okay, so you get the picture, I'm comfortable, and enjoying my movie.
By now, I am saying everyone's lines with them (I really do know the movie that well), I'm very content with life at this moment in time, until.... out of my lower peripheral vision (is there such a thing?), I see something moving across my chest. It's large, it's dark and yes, I look down...it's a big-ass, hairy, disgusting SPIDER!
Now let's just stop for a moment. What would you do? I'm assuming you have two leg's that actually move when you want them to. If I had two leg's that responded to the command's my brain is, at this point, screaming to said leg's, I would have created a sonic boom from moving so fast! The spider would have died a much swifter death and this scene would have lasted but a few seconds!
Well, (insert sarcastic laugh here) thats not how this event took place.
No, see even after thirty three years of my leg's going on strike, my first instinct is "leg's move, run like the wind"...pause...nothing happen's, the spider is starting to move into the covers now. I'm moving on to plan "B" at this point which consists of arms flailing wildly, my mouth forming the words "Oh shit, now where is it!, Oh shit, It's under the cover's!"... remember, I'm still laying flat on my back, leg's laying perfectly still, and God bless my arm's they are now beating the blanket and then throwing it off the bed, onto the floor! It's not over....
I reach for my wheelchair, it's parked right beside my bed. I pull myself up into a sitting position to better scan the floor for spider remain's, I put my left hand down onto the bed to balance myself and what does my hand land on? The SPIDER! More screaming ensues, more profanity, and still, my leg's resting peacefully in place on the bed...how dare they!
So now I fling the spider off the edge of the bed and I feel goo on my hand. I look, it's SPIDER FLUID! and TWO LEGS! More screaming, more profanity.
As I recover and gather my composure, I reach for the handy wipes and hand sanitizer beside my bed. I lean over the edge of my bed, reaching under the bed for the bottle of Hennessy that I keep there. After enjoying a nice big swig of that ever-so-smooth Cognac, I look at the big, hairy, disgusting but dead, spider and say "tell your friend's to be afraid, be very afraid!" ... I freaking HATE spiders!
I won, no thanks to the legs, but I still love my leg's, even if they are just ornamental.
I would gladly endure more mosquito's if it meant we could live without spiders.